September 2011, Part 1

This is the picture that started it all... he found me on a major dating site.  I had been married for 18 years (with a son that was 17 and leaving for college) and had left that marriage on my own choice. I had been single off and on for about three. He commented on this picture with "STUNNING, absolutely Stunning". He was very handsome and so my type. So I responded. After a few messages via the dating site, I gave him my number to text me, which he did. We seemed to have a lot in common, and we even went to the same gym, though we had never seen each other there. He told me I was beautiful over and over and again. We had planned to meet up on a Friday night in downtown Winchester (close to where we both lived), he was with the US Marshal's Service and on a protection detail, and had to work that night, but thought he would be getting downtown to meet me at one of the popular pubs by 10 pm. I was with some girlfriends and at 10 pm when I hadn't heard from him, I texted him asking if he was coming. He responded quickly that he was still in D.C. and probably wouldn't make it.  I was a bit bummed, as why hadn't he texted me a bit earlier to let me know he was still 1.5 hours away and probably wasn't going to make it? Anyways, after I got home, I decided to send him a message via the dating site. I told him I thought it was rude that he hadn't contacted me first to let me know that he probably wasn't coming and good luck to him. When I awoke the next morning, he had responded that he was very sorry and could we meet up the next night, which was a Sunday. So I said okay. He said he would pick me up at 5, I gave him my address. Several times that Saturday we texted back and forth, all seemed well, I was excited to see him the next day. On Sunday morning he texted me "I can't do this, I wish you well"... WHAT, what was happening here??? I texted back asking why... he said he was sorry and too never mind, can't wait to meet you, see you at 5. My girlfriends were going to be at the place we were going to and I was so nervous and excited for them to meet him as they had heard a lot about him. At 4:45 on Sunday, I was all ready in a pretty pink and black floral dress, with black heels, feeling pretty but  feeling extremely nervous so I had a glass of wine while waiting and then he sent me a text. It said; " Sorry, I am not coming". I couldn't believe this, I was about to cry. I responded asking why and he said he just couldn't. I explained I was all ready and waiting and I didn't understand this at all. After a few texts back and forth, he said he was on his way.  Fifteen minutes later my door bell rang... I opened the door and there he was. I knew instantly, as weird as it sounds, but I knew he was my HIM... 

I am creating this blog for anyone who has had serious heart break. And serious heart break at the hands of someone who didn't deserve them. It will chronicle 2.5 years. Mine was at the hands of someone I loved with all my heart and soul. Someone I fell in love with the minute we saw each other, someone I knew I would marry and probably love forever.  Some one who said I was the love of his life, who convinced me he had been waiting for me forever. Someone who ended up taking all my self worth and all my self esteem to make himself feel better about his own past and his own self esteem/self worth issues. What I didn't know was that he wasn't who he appeared, he had a mental illness, he was a sociopath in every sense of the word, I discovered later. I dedicate my story, this blog… and this is my story, nobody else, of love, deceit,  and severe pain that my heart may never truly get over and  trying to finally heal, to my best friend Megan... and my son, whom I would not leave without a mother, I will be there when he graduates college, gets married and becomes a parent.  I can honestly say and I have told Megan this several times, I would most likely not be here if it weren't for her and my niece who kept me busy, and her support every day through this, she never left  my side, she stayed overnight with me several times when I didn't think in my own head I would make it through the night. I spent the first few months of that summer of 2012 apart from this man that was my Prince Charming and I wanted to die… anything I could do to stay positive, stay strong, stay alive, even though there were days I didn't want to be here. I'm sure she doesn't realize the true impact it had on me, but the days when I didn't feel I wanted to live she was there, in person, via texts or phone. I am sure my Mom was watching over me. Then it didn't matter, you only look at the pain and suffering your heart feels and nobody else can know your pain, they listen and advise but every night when you go to bed you are alone, crying and saddened beyond what anyone not going through this could understand.. This is my therapy, my self healing, My story starts here….